An angel just showed up on Heaven's doorstep

Last night, someone who was very dear to me lost her fight with cancer(s).  Lynda was a neighbor for many years.  As well, she was part of my church family and a fellow Deacon. Recently, she insisted upon gifting my daughter with a cat-themed nightgown on her 9/11 birthday, despite the fact she was battling progressive cancer and very, very sick. This picture is of Lynda holding Julia at her baptism party so many years ago. I blogged about Lynda when she and I re-connected this past July.  We had a really special, long heart-to-heart conversation.  (It's cut-and-pasted at the bottom of this post).

Most importantly, Lynda was a friend. She was a friend who brought over a casserole (or three) when babies were born.   She was there when Andrew was diagnosed with autism, taking an especially caring role as she had a nephew who also is autistic.  When, in 2006, crisis came into the lives of good friends and my family (she reminded me just a few weeks ago that I still have her green casserole dish).  So intuitive and smart, she remembered how fragile we all seemed during that spring.  She came to the hospital when my kids was born. (Heck, it was Lynda who took me to the BI for a late-term amniocentisis to determine Andrew's lung maturity).  Lynda was "the" wonderful, non-judgmental friend who threw me a lovely baby shower in her backyard when I was pregnant with J.  At my wedding, her then early-elementary aged daughter danced up a storm at the reception.  She was a true "Angel" to my Andrew, diagnosed with autism at age 2 and in need of a 1:1 aide during Sunday School so I could get a brief respite.

Heaven has welcomed an angel, but we have lost a truly, kind, and compassionate person who symbolized grace to me.  Lynda very much wanted my daughter to come back home, and thought what J most needed was to be with her mother more than anything.  Lynda's own mother was steadfast in her love for her daughter and cared for Lynda over the many years she was sick. My heart goes out to her and to Lynda's two kids, 17 and 22.

Heaven's lucky right now.  Those of us here will miss Lynda so very much.  I loved her and didn't get a chance to say good-bye, but had sent a few emails and left a few messages on her voicemail letting her know I was thinking of her in recent weeks. May God bless her and be of comfort to her family. She was an extraordinary person, an Angel to Andrew in particular.   But, man would she be so uncomfortable hearing that word used to describe her.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.


7/26/08

A week ; a friend

Last night, I spoke to a long-time friend, Lynda, who is very sick with cancer.  She helped throw my baby shower.  I told her how sorry I was that I hadn't called sooner knowing that week after week I'd read of her illness in the church's bulletin and week after week, I did not call.  Strangely, she too apologized for the same thing. She said she felt so badly about what was going on with me, she too just couldn't call. She reminded me that one night, she brought over dinner for two families to share. She told me only now that she sensed such a disaster, that one little one was a mess and crying, and that the tensions between the adults seemed palpable. I sheepishly reminded her how much we all appreciated her casserole that night and that I still had the green dish in my cabinet. We ended our conversation with a few tears and promises to stay in better touch.

What happens when you don't nurture the friendships with the people who you care about?  What happens when you nurture them too much?  For many months, my family extended itself, becoming a family plus 4, taking care of the needs of our (then) friends who were in a crisis of which we had never witnessed before.  In reality, it may have provided the support that was needed for them, but it tore my family apart. It absolutely killed whatever vestige of a marriage I had left at that point (tenuous at best). You want to help those who you care about, who have helped you and cared about you. That's human nature and friendship.  Even in the middle of the crisis, I was taking care of 2 extra kids, plus both of their parents. I was lauded by our church and our pastor for it and hated and resented by my husband for it. What a mess.  Lynda helped a lot; others helped.  It wasn't enough; it was too much for everyone.  The village simply wasn't big enough.

Friendship, having seen it go when I wasn't ready for it to leave, is even more special and sacred because of this.  It's the one bond that shouldn't let men or other intricacies come between it. It's an amazing bond between women which I have yet to see replicated by men.

I saw something interesting on the Today Show. The "expert" said that women should not date men who don't have their own friends. The point being that the men need their own support system and it is unhealthy for them to rely on their new female partner for all support. Truer words have never been spoken.  Lynda said those words, gently as she said everything, to me over and over again.

Advice is good, healing necessary, but there is a profound sense of loss which tears at my heart and soul.  This loss hurt me, it hurt my kids, and their friendships, too. What a strange way for things to play out. And then what a sad, sad way they can just as easily all fall apart.  Thanks to friends like Lynda, any hurdle can be overcome.

Happy Birthday to an 8 year old

We celebrated Emily's 8th birthday today with an awesome party at the local bowling and arcade dive. The kids had a blast, and the adults were happy it was an "all-inclusive party" (no buying paper products, a cake, or anything really, just show up with the kids).

I am taken back to the day she was born. I had gone into the hospital for a routine non-stress test (which Emily royally failed). I was told I would be admitted because, at 32 weeks, she needed at least another week of incubation, and that they were immediately admitting me to the hospital. I had left my other two kids (then 3 and 1) with my mother. My husband was at work. As the day progressed, I talked to friends and told them what the scoop was. One good friend even had some flowers sent to keep me company during the anticipated week-long stay (little did she know I'd be delivering that night; she later sent another bouquet congratulating us on our new little girl). My friend Phoebe was going to be there at the delivery, but things moved too quickly. She came about 10:30 p.m. and kept me company while my husband tended to the baby in the special care nursery. But, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Finally, around 5:00 p.m., I had a special ultrasound called a bio-physical profile. To pass, you need to score 6/8. Emily got a 1/8. Not good. After the doctor decided that a c-section was in order, my husband arrived and we watched the Australians win some swimming medals in the Sydney (summer) Olympics while a neonatologist came in and told us about what could be wrong with a baby born this early (scary stuff).

At 8:37 p.m., with a lot of worry and what seemed to be a zillion people in the OR, Emily was born screaming at the top of her lungs. She weighed 4 pounds, 4 ounces. She did extremely well for a baby of her gestational age. Thank God she was a girl and that I had had steroid shots to enhance her lung development. When I saw her briefly post-op en route to my room, she had a tube in her nose and an IV in her head.

After a few weeks in the Level 2 NICU (she needed to learn to feed, to grow, and to keep her body temperature up), she came home. (During this time, my birthday came and my good friends took me out to dinner, I think wanting to preserve some normalcy, and my best friend at the time and I then made a late night visit to the hospital).

Em was tiny, and we had two other kids to care for. Having a c-section was a new experience for me; I certainly did not follow the doctor's instructions. It was not practical not to drive or climb stairs. So many people helped us out (this in addition to the dozen who sent or brought flowers, I swear people don't know "what" to do when you have a preemie). Both mom and dad were utterly exhausted and our friends placed bets whether we would "make it" to the new year.

Alas, we did, and we have a beautiful daughter. Happy Birthday my beautiful Emily Elizabeth (and, no, we did not name her after Clifford's friend).

Happy Birthday to an 11 year old

Today, we celebrated J's 11th birthday (it's actually on 9/11) in "cat-themed style". It was really nice that the people here today have cared about J for many years, this party was not someone else's where her presence was an after-thought, where guests didn't bring her so much as a card. Most importantly, it was a family event where her siblings were included. They all love her. Her extended family was invited. But, you know what, today our friends definitely made her forget about others' absences.

We had a room of people who really care and love her, and who have actively supported our family for years. They are the ones who bothered to care when things started getting rocky. They are not fairweather friends or family. They are the real deal; the ones who have never ever let the kids (or me) down. Happy Birthday, my beautiful daughter. It was wonderful to see you smile all day. (And a huge thank you to the many friends from near and far who sent birthday cards).

Happy Birthday my not-so-little man

We had an awesome day celebrating Andrew's 9th Birthday at a pool party. The only thing missing was his big sister, but he managed to have a great time with a small group of friends. He was absolutely beaming, even while in the pool, and was tickled pink a girl from his class came :-) His silly mother, however, forget to bring new batteries for the camera. Thus, there are only 2 pictures from the event to be shared and, blog readers, you see both. Andrew is quite distressed his hair looks short in the picture, he'd like you all to know it is actually getting quite long in the back. And, no, my cake cutting skills have not improved much. Maybe a class is in order.

It's "tax-free holiday weekend" here in Massachusetts. Anyone making a big purchase? I think the only thing that's ever been memorable about this MA phenomenon is the watch that I wear. It's very pretty (two-tone gold and silver) and it still works and is special to me.

S and I continued the tradition I started with E last year. We are reading a Children's Bible, a chapter or two a night. It's particularly rewarding to see that, so far, S recognizes the stories. That says a lot for her church school teachers. We also have a long held tradition of saying prayers before bed every night. It's nice she feels God's presence in her life in these ways.

A week ; a friend

Last night, I spoke to a long-time friend, Lynda, who is very sick with cancer. She, in fact, helped throw my baby shower.  I told her how sorry I was that I hadn't called sooner knowing that week after week I'd read of her illness in the church's bulletin and week after week, I did not call.  Strangely, she too apologized for the same thing. She said she felt so badly about what was going on with me, she too just couldn't call. She reminded me that one night, she brought over dinner for two families to share. She told me only now that she sensed such a disaster, that one little one was a mess and crying, and that the tensions between the adults seemed palpable. I sheepishly reminded her how much we all appreciated her casserole that night and that I still had the green dish in my cabinet. We ended our conversation with a few tears and promises to stay in better touch.

What happens when you don't nurture the friendships with the people who you care about?  What happens when you nurture them too much?  For many months, my family extended itself, becoming a family plus 4, taking care of the needs of our (then) friends who were in a crisis of which we had never witnessed before.  In reality, it may have provided the support that was needed for them, but it tore my family apart. It absolutely killed whatever vestige of a marriage I had left at that point (tenuous at best). You want to help those who you care about, who have helped you and cared about you. That's human nature and friendship.  Even in the middle of the crisis, I was taking care of 2 extra kids, plus both of their parents. I was lauded by our church and our pastor for it and hated and resented by my husband for it. What a mess.  Lynda helped a lot; others helped.  It wasn't enough; it was too much for everyone.  The village simply wasn't big enough.

Friendship, having seen it go when I wasn't ready for it to leave, is even more special and sacred because of this.  It's the one bond that shouldn't let men or other intricacies come between it. It's an amazing bond between women which I have yet to see replicated by men.

I saw something interesting on the Today Show. The "expert" said that women should not date men who don't have their own friends. The point being that the men need their own support system and it is unhealthy for them to rely on their new female partner for all support. Truer words have never been spoken.  Lynda said those words, gently as she said everything, to me over and over again.

Advice is good, healing necessary, but there is a profound sense of loss which tears at my heart and soul.  This loss hurt me, it hurt my kids, and their friendships, too. What a strange way for things to play out. And then what a sad, sad way they can just as easily all fall apart.  Thanks to friends like Lynda, any hurdle can be overcome.

My baby is 6: How did that happen???

S turned 6 and we began a week-end long celebration this morning. Both she and E had manicures, complete with adorable nail art, at the local, cheap nail place. Then, the finale. S's big present from mom was getting her ears pierced (for which she chose her birthstone studs). What a lucky girl to have a April birthday since diamonds are April's birthstone. She was very brave.

After a quick trip to pick up a bathing suit for E and a jacket/sweatshirt for S, all while continually trying to explain why the Burlington Mall is still decorated for Christmas and the sign outside says it's called something different due to the filming of the Kevin James movie, we drove home. We spent some time outside playing at the playground and then promptly got back into the car (thank God A handled the transitions beautifully) and drove E to a friend's house 20 miles away. Buying gas for a mini-van is *crazy* when it costs $3.50/gallon, and you don't get great mileage to begin with.

Tomorrow is S's birthday party (hosted by me) and most of her kindergarten class will be there, along with other special friends :-) Of course, the 12 Dancing Princesses cake has already been ordered.... I'll post pics tomorrow.