A letter to my son

Dear Andrew,

Today is your 11th birthday. (For the record, it's sunny and 75 degrees out.)  I think you are the bravest and hardest working boy in the world.  Your autism holds you back sometimes, but it's also brought so many fun and wonderful things to our lives. Some of your interests aka obsessions have included: the most amazing drawings of houses a preschooler can make, home-made calendars, Presidents, Blues Clues, Weather forecasts and, of course, Build a Bears.  You have an amazing gift: memorization.  You can tell someone  born on April 4, 1967, what day of the week that was without blinking.  Pretty neat, indeed.

Some of the things that make me smile when thinking about you include: the Buzz Lightyear tent with a bean bag in it to sleep on, stuffed animal forts, you saying "I love you" back to me for the first time when you were 5, the purple tutu, and many tender and fun moments with Emily, Sarah & Julia, too.  Lots of squishy hugs, body socks, brushes, lotion, and your beloved  bear hug vest have all brought you joy.

I know there is a lot you can't do now, and maybe won't be able to do. Some are even things you used to be able to do.  Have friends, going to a regular school, or your prom, or college. But, there is so much I know you can do and will do.  Part of me wants to scream, "Screw autism".  It doesn't define you  anymore today than on the cold February morning the neurologist at Mass General officially gave you the diagnosis. I am very grateful  to the many wonderful people (the list of Andrew's "people" throughout the years would go on for pages), who have helped you along the way.  Your sisters love you, despite the sometimes unflattering and unkind behaviors.  Our friends love you and accept you for the quirky kid you are.  Your dad and  I love you to pieces.

Of course, I wish you were home with us to celebrate.  You will be soon.  I know how much you want to be 11, as you told us for months how awful 10 was. You are a very perceptive kid.   Emily and I will bring a chocolate-chocolate birthday cake to the hospital and tell you how loved you are and how happy we are to celebrate your birthday.  The question is: will you hear it?  I hope so.

Love always,
Mom

Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and his best friend make a fabulous birthday celebration!

A weekend in the Berkshires

I started writing this while sitting on the porch watching the kids play badminton in the vast backyard of our friends' home in Western Massachusetts.  It's far too easy to forget that the Commonwealth stretches beyond Worcester.  We've now visited the Berkshires for two very fun and relaxing weekends, once in the winter during the kids' school break, where there was lots of playing in the snow, and now in the summer.  It's beautiful to be in the foothills of the mountains, with swimming and outdoor play at the door.

Yesterday, we went to Mount Greylock, the highest peak in the state.  We hiked with the kids, collecting blueberries for pancakes and bugs for our little friend the insect-collector.  The top of Mt. Greylock features a tower built in the 1930's as a memorial- very neat.  The day was clear and the views were gorgeous- we could see the Green Mountains to the North and Wachusett to the East.  It was not too hot and the kids are finally old enough to do some exploring further than a hands length away from me.  Seeing their independence makes me so proud of them.

On our hike, we also came across the wreckage of a small plane. The signage notes this 2 engine Cessna went down during a routine flight from Manhattan to Albany to deliver newspapers.  The crash happened in August and the wreckage was not discovered until December, by hunters.  It was an interesting piece of history to come across during what was a leisurely hike for 4 kids and 2 adults.

The children obtained Passports issued by the DCR, where each landmark offers a stamp.  We have lots of sight-seeing and traveling to do to fill the books with stamps. Some venues are close to home (ie: the Middlesex Fells), but many are scattered in parts of the state we haven't traveled ever or recently.

One of the nicest parts of this weekend was the cool weather we had last night... I love the feel of sleeping with an open window and a heavy blanket on top of me. If only I could lose my reliance on white noise to sleep (it was a habit I picked up when I got married and it never left).  Seeing my youngest daughters with friends, so happy, makes my heart smile indeed.  The fresh food from the garden (think tomatoes, mozzarella and fresh basil or homemade pasta sauce and meatballs--- yum).

In the same vein, I really miss my little boy.  It's all a balancing act, I suppose.  A break from autism that was not wanted at least gave the siblings a few days to make some great memories.

Moments like these are all too rare, taking time to sit, breathe in the fresh air, and just be, enjoying time with dear friends and family.  On the way home, we laughed so hard, singing very loud and off-key to all variety of 80's music (anyone for the Eurthymics, Wilson Philips, or "Play this Funky Music"?). No one can dance while seated quite as creatively as my youngest.  My girls have colored, clip-on hair extensions in, are tanned and happy, and their mom is happy and exhausted and feeling very grateful indeed.

things which make my heart smile

1.  my kids laughter and smiles.
2.  seeing advances made in the treatment of autism.  hoping that these things will help other families to not go through what we have with our little boy.  i am proud of the small things i have been able to contribute to this: captain-ing "andrew's team" for autism speaks/naar, raising over $35,000 for autism research. also, testifying at the state house on behalf of a bill which ensured all the needs of children with autism would be addressed by a child's school-based iep team.
3. the beauty of both a sunrise and a sunset. knowing someday i will share those with someone i love again.
4. the sound of my daughter, who struggles mightily with reading and writing, reading me her bedtime story.
5. the sound of my Em, plotting with her friends and just being a 9 year old, and not her brother's keeper.
6. A talking to his bears or saying "i love you mommy". these moments are all too rare, nowadays.
7. J talking about normal things kids worry about when they are about to be teens, like boys. she is such a beautiful young woman.
 8. any conversation with my kids' dad which is peaceful and well-reasoned. it hasn't always been like this and the opportunities are appreciated.
9. hearing from my doctor today "do you still have your gallbladder" and being totally calm.  if i need it removed  to make the sharp, searing pain in my chest go away, so be it. not a big deal.
10.  losing another 10 pounds on the scale- bringing a grand total of weight loss to 34 pounds since january.
11.  really meaning it when i say i am doing well.
12. a well-mixed margarita and a good friend, on my back porch, like tonight...
13. a purring cat who knows where her litter box is.
14. looking through photo albums at so many memories of my family and friends.
15. knowing the future holds only positive and good things.
16. friends who don't sugarcoat things, make me laugh, and are my chosen family.