Winter thoughts redux

This evening, as I moved my car to prepare for the impending blizzard, I was struck by how it actually feels like snow is in the air.  My son and his babysitter took a trip to Build A Bear Workshop where he created "Colorful Bear" (bear #40ish).  I had stocked up on Dan Dan noodles early this afternoon, driving 15 miles to get them. Chili sauce, plain rice noodles, sichuan pickles, and a small amount of ground pork= heaven.  There is a Red Box close to my house and "The Social Network" was available so that's my exciting activity for the night.  It seems an ironic movie to be watching given recent events.  Facebook, emails, blogging... they are something we all partake in.  My teenager has introduced me to a few other social networking sites, and I am far too old and uncool to know what MySpace offers.

I think about the reality of things I have experienced in my life, especially over the past five years.  I was there, my memory is not impaired from remembering the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.  Today, my family is pretty close to intact, my friends are amazing, the support system for our children is strong.  As added bonuses, there have been victories for clients at work in recent days.

My "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" moment came when reading for the first time Andrew's neuropyschological evaluation.  It unsettled me and left me sobbing.  For years,  I thought my kid might have been one of the few to "lose the (autism) diagnosis".  Alas, that is not to be.  It's a given that testing is hard for him and he doesn't perform well, but scoring under the 1st percentile on most testing tools shocked even me.  Autism sucks.  However,  now the adults can try to figure out what it is he needs to be a successful learner.

Tomorrow, the Christmas tree will come down as we find things to amuse ourselves with during the snowstorm.  I'll go skiing in the Fells with friends when the baby-sitter comes in the afternoon, and a new beginning will be had.   I will hold my little boy tight tonight, gently stroke my cat while she sits here on my lap, and take in the beautiful scent of the burning "Fresh Balsam" candle.   Life is good and I am indeed blessed.  Lynda, Whitey, and perhaps my cousin Denise (who left this world far too early two years ago today) were watching out for me today.

It has been a certifiably awful few weeks. The stress has taunted me, daring me to fall apart. By giving into that depression, it would make my family disintegrate, my autistic son's world turned upside down.  It amazes me that anyone would knowingly contribute to the sadness and confusion of a little boy who lives every day with autism, working so hard to fit into a neuro-typical world, by hurting the most important person in the world to him- his mom.  I am so grateful to those people who have supported my little family and who know the truth, have known it for years as they lived it alongside me and my kids, even if it is ugly.  Domestic violence is rarely pretty.  I didn't do a good job listening to my friends for a long time; now I know better. I love you all.

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My teenager.