Mother's Day

Just when you wonder if you're a good mom who is making an imprint in your child's life, she comes up with something like this.  Last year, S wrote this all by herself,  printed it out, and glued it onto the cover of the Boston Sunday Globe.

Mother's Day has never been the "Hallmark Holiday" for me that it can be for others.  I don't know my birth mother, who left me at an orphanage in India.  I am so blessed to have a few very special women in my life who have helped fill the void. I amblessed my birth mother did not give uo but cared enough to allow me to be adopted.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom, and a good one.   Being a mother has made me more tolerant, kinder, gentler, and more patient (the latter is a work in progress).

I will never lose sight of the fact that my children are more important than anything else.  The village they belong to loves them.

I know what it's like to feel the weight of the world (specifically the IEP/school one) sitting on your shoulders.   Today presented an opportunity to pay that friendship and kindness forward... To all you *extra-special* moms, know you are loved (even if your kids can't/don't tell you as much, even if you don't *get* breakfast in bed, flowers, or jewelery, even if you feel stressed to the point of exhaustion by a system which struggles/often-time fails to support kids and families).  Your children and friends care.  It takes a village, folks, doesn't it?  

S's "article" tells me I must be doing *something* right.

Happy Mother's Day!

it takes a village to pay it forward

Two principles integral to my life are "it takes a village" and "pay it forward".  Not just words; these are concepts to live by.  This week has provided the opportunity to support a family starting to heal from domestic violence.

Domestic violence within a loving home filled with children just seems so wrong.  I remember.  It is 2 a.m. on a cold winter night; the doctor covering for my PCP returns my page.  In a small voice, I explain that my husband had pulled my middle finger back so far it was grotesquely bent.  The male doctor non-chalantly, and perhaps a bit annoyed at being woken up from his beauty sleep, suggested a trip to the emergency room.  I didn't go, but I should have because the episodes happened again... and again.

There have been so many incredible and generous people who have been part of our village, providing love and support in many forms to my children during a very tough few years.  It seems only natural to pay that kindness forward, to a family led by an amazing mom who has no idea the strength she does have.  Holding her in my arms after dropping off some bags of food, through her emotions and tears, she swore she wanted to write thank you notes and couldn't imagine that people cared this much. 

I do care.  My family cares.  My friends care.  My clients care.  We will help her through this by providing some of the physical "things" she needs, but also listening ears when and if she wants them.  I've been there, even now he tries to cause me pain. Some days it works, most days I just ignore him.

What is a village? It might be extended family, friends, or a faith community (church/temple). But, often times, when those supports don't exist or are stretched thin, it can include colleagues and sometimes folks who want to stay anonymous.  (I remember "Santa Claus" showing up on my doorstep in 2007, when I had no money to buy gifts for my kids, and when their stockings were filled with M&M tubes, ponytail holders, and 99 cent bottles of nail polish).  Three years ago, dear friends offered to serve as trustees so that I could buy property and rebuild my credit as a single person, not attached to my ex-husband.  That is obviously a large offering, but the small things (ie: food, a funny and/or inspiring card, rides, childcare, or simply a listening ear) meant just as much.

What does it mean to pay it forward?  To me, it signifies being the recipient of a good deed and recognizing and honoring that by practicing random acts of kindness to another.  The world survives, and our communities thrive, when folks help one another.  In the circle of life, sometimes you are able to give help, sometimes you need to learn how to accept help even if it goes against every grain of your soul, and sometimes to keep your sanity in-tact you choose to save your emotional strength for those you love and only them.  But we are never in the same place permanently, those of us with empathy, at least.

My nine year old and I discussed donating money and goods to families who are going through tough times.  She may be single-digits, but she is wise beyond her years. She remembers her father smothering me with a pillow, as well as the depression I went through a year after that episode. We figured out that simply smiling at someone who might be having a bad day at Horn Pond or Dunkin' Donuts is a way to make the world just a tiny bit brighter.  It is just part of our personalities to be friendly and offer a smiling "thanks- have a nice day" to everyone, including those who bag our groceries and sweep the floor.   Likewise, I typically make eye contact and say hello to those I pass on a walk or hike.  Common courtesy, not being fake, never causes harm and usually encourages good.

Another family is going through something similar to the the life-changing, mind-numbing, and downright cruel experience we lived four years ago.  There is no melodic terminology to describe that kind of pain.  Simply put, it sucks, as well it can very well suck the humanity out of your soul.  Hopefully, we are able to "pay it forward" and help be part of the village of people who can help lift the spirits of folks who are going through the darkest of dark days.